Father’s Day is Sunday.  For some of my friends it is their first Father’s Day, for my grandpas and step-dad I sent a carefully selected card with funny and loving things written inside.  But for those of you who feel the need to shame those of us who lack the creativity of the perfect present, I’ll give you a good list of things you should NEVER buy on Father’s Day:

1.  Clothing of any kind.

Let’s be real; dads don’t need any more work clothes, cufflinks, ties, monogramed hankies, or whatever else your local department store is hocking. If he needs it, he buys it.

2.  Hair trimming devices. 

Men seem to know they’re furry. If they ever had a relationship with a woman, they’ve seen that arched eyebrow when they take off their clothes or heard the phrase “honey what’s coming out of your nose?” Trust me, if your mom hasn’t taken care of telling him, or his mom hasn’t taken care of telling him, he probably doesn’t care and it’ll just end up in a drawer.

 3.  Cologne 

By that same token, buying a dude cologne is like saying “you smell… fix it.” Even if he doesn’t take offense, finding something that someone else wants to smell on themselves is an incredibly personal item to purchase.

4.  Night at a strip club

Hard to imagine anyone would think this is a good idea, but a strip club in Queens is offering a special deal for dear old dads.  You have to have a really special relationship with your father to think this is a good idea, and realistically it’s Father’s Day, buy the man a steak and save the strip club for another night.

5. Anything testicle related

Just, no. No. His sperm may have helped make you, but let’s not take that literally. Everyone knows your father is a guy, he doesn’t need to compensate for it, and again, even if he would find this funny or interesting, give the man a deserving steak dinner or take him out for a hunting weekend instead. TruckNuts don’t say “thanks for being a good father, I love you.”

6.  Your weird ass last minute drunken craft projects

Chances are if you’re reading this you’re over 10 years old.  There’s no reason, unless you have a skilled craft or artistry that you should be trying to make an artistic interpretation of your appreciation for your father.  Don’t make it that obvious that you forgot and are hung over.

7.  You do nothing.

If you don’t send a card, or call, or take him to dinner, or really acknowledge him at all then it’s probably because you don’t have a relationship with your father at all. And if you’re in that boat today, then take yourself out for a nice steak dinner and buy yourself a new pair of socks and some cologne/perfume and give your mom a call to tell her you love her.

If that isn’t your situation, then give the man a call. If you live in the same city, stop by. Take him out to do something with the two of you together. Either take him or your folks to dinner, go kayaking, see a movie, wash and wax your cars together, go fishing or hunting, whatever it is that you can both do together, do it. It’s more about having time together, catching up, and showing him you care than anything. And the most valuable thing you can give someone is a piece of your time.

Happy Father’s Day everyone!